If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize