Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
