her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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