You're my little dorito
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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