Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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