I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
