My hair reeks of homosexuality.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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