Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
