it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize