census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
