So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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