i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
