So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
