It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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