Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
