i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize