When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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