I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Alive.
So much puke
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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