New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
