If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
