My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
