My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize