i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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