You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
