I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
