Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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