i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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