Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
