my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
