Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
