I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He passed out mid-signature
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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