R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
