I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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