K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
