pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
