Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
