Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
