Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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