"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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