Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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