I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
