omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
