I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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