you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
