tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just found a bag of teeth...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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