guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
