Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
