she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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