I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
