How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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