I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
you never un-have a 4some
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
