Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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