2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
