I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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