Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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