I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
