I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
