Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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