Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
