i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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