Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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