where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
