Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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