I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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