1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Randomize