textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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