i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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