apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
