Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize