My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
And then he peed in my hair
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