thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
